Wednesday, August 09, 2006

WHY I AM STILL MARRIED.

My husband and I have our share of squabbles.For the most part it is bickering about small stupid stuff. There are no fights about money, infidelity or anything else. I think it is due to the fact that one person wants to be in control.It is just do as I say and dont ask questions.My husband is for the most part a wonderful person and a decent human being. We have been married for a long time and have two wonderful children, a loving family both here and In India. May be I am expecting too much being the hopeless romantic that I am. We have been through a lot and held on to each other through troubled times and have made a nice life for each other. I think its this strength that we have is what keeps us together. Our marriage is like the Ocean with its high tides and low tides and serene moments between.

There are times we laugh and talk about anything, enjoy watching movies but at the same time both of us have this sensitive side that gets hurt when something wrong is said. I think I am more sensitive than he is. I may be wrong I dont know. Sometimes I think I am right and sometimes he thinks He is right , there is no common ground.At various times we have resolved to stop but somehow we dont.

In my heart I truly love him and I am in this marriage because..
1. I Love him dearly
2. Cannot wait for him to come home in the evening.
3. Miss him terribly when he is away.
4. Want to cook everything I see in the food blogs for him.
5. Want to grow old with him
6. Want him to see all the interesting things I see because I know it would interest him.
7. Want to travel the world and enjoy life together.
8. Cannot imagine a life without him.
9. Want to be with him till death do us part.
10. And most of all He can still make my heart skip a beat.

93 comments:

priya 9:55 AM  

Starry,

We all go thru' in our lives. Love alone cannot brings happiness. If you have brothers and sisters don't you give a little piece of share when they ask with authority. That is relationship. Controlling someone is different beign authoritative with affection. Nobody has a right to control an another person. We all have freedom to enjoy and as an adult we know which is good and bad.
If either you/he controls, its the demand that they needs from you both. It can also be his nature being an authority figure in his family. It all counts.
Its all how we are brought up starry. Just becoz I love my husband a lot, it doesn't mean I shud change 100%. Change when you need to such as bend when you need to. You need not have to be submissive or give up your identity. But it shud be dealt in a very smooth manner rather talk loud/ end up in fight hurting each other.
You may have priorities and you can keep them seperate. When he/ she demands for they want, you can demand politely. I am not saying, listen to all, but your demands shud comeout politely very strong in your words.
Life itslef is based on communication. When we can talk to a stranger and share, why not with our loved ones. They have a heart too and its the timing which plays a role factor.

starry nights 10:06 AM  

Thank you Priya. I think a lot of it has to do with our upbringing also.I think there should be a give and take. As you said being polite with one another is important because the infliction in ones voice can sound sweet or bitter.

sudhav 10:39 AM  

Lalitha, This is what i think the couples who truly love each other go through..For this is the same thing that happens in our life,me and vinodh we knew each other for almost 3 yrs before we got married..But still we have so much of difference of opinion, its just a matter of give and take policy i feel that works the best in marriages lalitha..
I agree with what priya siad, just becoz we love our husband's it doesnt mean that we should change 100%, change when it is really necessary and the change will bring happiness..Life is full of give and take policies..And as u mentioned the 10 points, all of them are so true..Come what may we will always live for this man who has made a difference and who is above everything...

starry nights 11:45 AM  

Very well said sudha.thank you. i know I have to give in a little to avoid unpleasantness. I guess it is a partnership and we are in this together.

Sarah 11:53 AM  

Wanted to post this few days ago.. decided to do this today
This what Gibran wrote about Marriage

Then Almitra spoke again and said, “And what of Marriage, Master?”

And he answered saying:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.

You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.

Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together, yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow

starry nights 12:11 PM  

Thank you sarah. that was beautiful. I love gibran.

Contented 12:36 PM  

Speechless actually! Dont know what to say also...

However I want to share something I read somewhere... " What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility"....

faith 12:57 PM  

welll smone said to me once that love can be a very big reason to be with smone or to be in any rship... whr there r two individuals differences will always be there... but wht matter most is u love eachother... and u knw that no one else in world gonna care this much...

n yr cute list shows that all... so just dont loose yr heart.. its life *smiles*

b v n 1:48 PM  

hey...nicely done...my pics wud be,

"Want to grow old with him,Want him to see all the interesting things I see because I know it would interest him"

good one....Okei..so this is why people stay married...hmm makes sense

nevermind 2:21 PM  

That last one's so important, isn't it;-)? I like seeing the lady in the morning, sleeping like a baby. The world sorta settles down, at that moment.

samuru999 2:44 PM  

I would say you have some pretty good reasons why you are still married!
I especially like the last one!
Ba bump... ba bump!
Take care!

jhantu 3:14 PM  

I wonder if im ever married whether my wife would write such a sweet post abt me or will she title it "Why I am still NOT married to that Jhantu".

starry nights 3:32 PM  

Contented..thank you. sometimes even though you are not compatible you have to try and take the good points that you both have and make it compatible.

starry nights 3:33 PM  

Faith..thank you.When all else fails it is love that will keep us together.

starry nights 3:34 PM  

Bvn..thank you.

starry nights 3:36 PM  

Nevermind..true.I think its a big one.

starry nights 3:37 PM  

Margie..thank you.My list could be longer but had to stop at 10.

starry nights 3:38 PM  

Jhantu..your wife will write many sweet posts about you.you are going to bring a lot of humor in her life.

Blessed 3:58 PM  

So sweet!
I have been with my husband for
8 years (in Sept). Definitely lots of ups and downs but I'm glad to be with him and no one else.

karmic_jay 6:26 PM  

We all have our ups n downs. We are both strong willed and sparks fly. But we do deal with it cos I would not be anyone else. Too tired to write something more sensible. later ...

starry nights 7:51 PM  

Blessed.yes all the ups and downs.

starry nights 7:52 PM  

Nandi..Are u surprised.

Ekta 7:52 PM  

awww
thats such a lovely post!
And am married too and can completely relate to this post!
And yes EVERY couple has their squabbles but guess the test is if we can get beyond these fights and still admire and look at the brighter side of each other and as u said grow old with each other

starry nights 7:53 PM  

Jay..thanks for your kind words.

starry nights 7:53 PM  

Ekta..thank you

starry nights 8:01 PM  

Ekta..thank you

Latha 8:09 PM  

Hi Lalitha,

Its my first time here. After a long time I have had some time to sit and browse and do my favourite thing - enjoy others blogs!
And what a lovely start - your piece on your husband is so sweet and touching!
I wish you both many more happy years together and wish you guys all the best!
Cheers
Latha

Hip Grandma 8:13 PM  

men are like that wanting to be in control.pamper them a little they'll be okay.your wish list is very normal and good luck to your marriage!as I said earlier-'go thro'"love and Marriages" by Bill Cosby

southpaw 8:14 PM  

Expectation is the mother of all disasters when it comes to any relationship, its my personal view ofcourse.
But i always feel happy when i see family like urs and what u hv shared so far with us, its quite a happy sketch in my mind.

starry nights 9:47 PM  

Hi Latha..welcome to my blog and please do come again.thank you.

starry nights 9:47 PM  

Preeta..thank you.I will get the book and read it.

starry nights 9:48 PM  

Raj..thank you.

Neers 9:48 PM  

that was GOOD!!! a pretty insightful perspective into marriage and quite true!

hey, i like the new pic! :)

Keshi 10:09 PM  

**And most of all He can still make my heart skip a beat.

And thats what matters in the end :)

Starry I think ur husband is very lucky to have someone as special as u r in his life and Im sure he's a great guy too...cos u chose him to be ur husband.

I wish u both a great, happy and peaceful life together!

Keshi.

neihal 10:16 PM  

"10. And most of all He can still make my heart skip a beat."

beautiful post lalitha. the last point...I think as long as he can do that...the magic of marriage will remain...I wish you and your husband all the happiness.

passerby55 11:51 PM  

Lalitha...

wishing you many more happy married days ahead.

ask MY husband are you happily married he says ...Oh! yes any doubts...

he adds when i am not around,

"I am married and my wife is happy"

*smiles*

Jeevan 12:52 AM  

THis is the true Love! Hope your life will be continue happly with your hubby. Let you wishes come true dear:)

Pritika Gupta 1:30 AM  

Ahh.. U touched my heart.. sometime i also quest my slf tht y im still with the same person.. I also get the same answer :D

Dh@v@! 1:45 AM  

hmmm wht can i say...
u know everybody has ups n downs...
but
"Life goes on right?"

nice post buddy

n @ "10. And most of all He can still make my heart skip a beat."

So sweet

*smiles*

Anand 1:45 AM  

nice post!!
For me theres only one reason why I am married and that coz I love my wide..period..no other reason required!

mathew 1:59 AM  

Unmarried.... so cant really put in comments!!

But neways hope your hubby gets to read this entry..have a great time!!!

Has to be me 2:11 AM  

Hey thats a v.beautiful post & nice way to appreciate the love for ur hubby. I hope u've shown this post to him & I guess he wld be on cloud 9 after reading this!

He is damn lucky to have u as his wife. :)

christabelle 2:58 AM  

I had to check the calender again to make sure this is not feb 14, this is sure romantic, when I do get married I'll like to grow old with him too oh!

As for the ups and downs, all r/tionships hv that I guess.
someone once told me that the key to a good marrigae is not finding the rite person but by being the rite person. Now how abt that?

KK 7:34 AM  

That's a very nice post starry...Your Hubby should be a lucky guy to have such a loving wife...very nice way of appreciating his love. I think best way to solve differences is to talk it out cool and calm...ofcourse someone as to giveup...but surely talking it out cool and calm will reduce the difference of opinion.

starry nights 8:41 AM  

Neers..thanks. I am glad u like my new pic.got tired of the old one.

starry nights 8:41 AM  

Keshi..thanks. As long as that ticker keeps beating love is not lost.

starry nights 8:42 AM  

Neihal..thank you.

starry nights 8:43 AM  

Passer by..that was cute. All that matters is wife has to be happy.

starry nights 8:43 AM  

Jeevan..thank you.

starry nights 8:44 AM  

Pritika..thank you and welcome to my blog and do stop by again.

starry nights 8:45 AM  

Dh@v@...So true life has its ups and downs.have to flow with it.Almost like a rollercoaster sometimes.

starry nights 8:46 AM  

Anand..thank you.that was cute.I think thats the most important thing.

starry nights 8:46 AM  

Matthew..thanks.

starry nights 8:47 AM  

Has to be me..thank you. He is a nice person too. so I think I am lucky as well. I think all of us have some imperfections.

starry nights 8:48 AM  

Christabelle..thank you.

"good marrigae is not finding the rite person but by being the rite person". I like those lines.

starry nights 8:49 AM  

KK...You are so right. communication is the key. And most of all it has to be done calmly. I am sure learning a lot.thank you.

Ganesh Ranganathan 8:54 AM  

Such a romantic post...

Johnny 10:00 AM  

Thats a wonderful post. I think many a times men fail to understand the true needs of a women. I am not an expert in this field. Hope to get married somewhere in the near future and then I will write a post on my dear sweet wife. Pray that i get a nice girl.

SCRIBBLEZ TO WAKEUP 11:22 AM  

Priya/Starry...I got on to reading wht Pria had said and wow, this is wht I too believe in!! :)

Hey...Hope to see a picture of you and J, wrinkled in a park on this blog someday....No matter wht we love people with all our heart and best intentions and I too am sensitive to almost everything and now am trying to curb my hyper sensitivity for all the insane things...I become sad n in a few minutes realise tht I am worse than a kid n I go n apologise for behaving like a kid and getting pissed over nothin! :) :)

indianangel 1:20 PM  

Good one! That just remindes the several phases that men( the general term I mean here for both men and women) go through in their life. Early in our marriage or by the time we get married we might have lot of dreams and think what I need to do to keep my spouse happy. And then as years fly by you starting realizing that it was just lust and is there any more real love! Partners start barging each other, criticism follows and the passion ignited in the beginning is lost! Its like what I always think about marriage :-
Early marriage is like a Govinda film, full of fun and frolic for the first 1-2 yrs,
Later life is like either one spouse being a "Bandit Queen" or the Other like "Veerapan" both yelling at each other even for non trivial issues!

So glad to hear from your words lalitha, that you still love and love your husband even more than what you did earlier! I wish that this gratification continues and you have even more greater Happiness :)

ari4u 2:45 PM  

Starry, I started writing a long comment yesterday, but deleted it because i dont know you that well and not sure how you would take it. Also, i am no expert in relationships either.

I hope your husband read what you wrote about him, if not, then make sure he reads it. It was the most sweetest thing anyone could have written. You couldnt have said it any better of how you feel and how much you love your husband. Hell yeah, if it was my wife who told me all that, i would make her pedestal even higher (I already think very high of her) ;)

In a relationship, things are taken for granted after a certain period of time. The first thing taken for granted is love and affection, assumptions creep in, which lead to doubt and the big question is if the love is still alive. What you need at this point is to re-assert your love, rekindle that flame, for your husband to hold you and tell you that he will be by your side no matter what and he loves you more than anything else in the whole world. I am sure he too is dying to hear this from you. Someone has to start at some point and there is no time to lose. So what are you waiting for?

I agree with priya, open communication is the key and being honest about feelings, expectations and reactions goes a long way in anticipating what the other person needs and wants. Silent expectation are a big killer in any relationship. Unless the other person knows what is expected, there is no way the gaps can be filled.

Take a break, go out for a romantic candle light dinner, go on a vacation just the two of you. I'm sure it will make a lot of difference.

If it helps and you have some time, read this book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray. It is a wonderful book that has helped me in the past. I hope it will help you too. It will definitely help if your husband reads it too.

My 2 cents. Apologies if i stepped my limits commenting on your post.
Take care
-ari

samuru999 7:15 PM  

starry~
I just finished reading what ari
wrote to you!
What wondeful advice he gave you!
I would take all of his great advice!
And, your husband is so blessed to have such a loving wife like you!
I can see that you cherish him!
That is so beautiful!
And the book ari mentioned is excellent!
And, ari... if you happen to read
this ... your wife is so lucky to
have such a caring mate!
Take care starry... it will all
work out!-
I send you my best wishes! -
Margie:):)

priya 8:20 PM  

Starry, I see moon and nice green clock out ther.
I always look at green to make myself happy coz it to me it feels better.
Cheer up and I am looking for a hot n spicy poem from you.....

starry nights 8:44 PM  

Ganesh..thank you.

starry nights 8:44 PM  

Johnny..thanks.

starry nights 8:45 PM  

Scribblez..thanks. I know I think most of the problems arise because i am overly sensitive.need to get strong and overlook some stuff.

starry nights 8:47 PM  

Indian Angel..thank you so much you described these different stages so well.It is so true. Marriage cannot be the same forever because we are going through these different stages in our lives.

starry nights 8:51 PM  

Ari4u..thank you so much for that advice.I wrote this personal post because i wanted some input from fellow bloggers out there.Thank you for taking the time to read my post and comment.A perfect stranger interested in my happiness.it touched my heart.I am going to read the book and I have to say your wife is lucky to have a husband like you who cares how she feels.thank you once again.

starry nights 8:51 PM  

Priya..thank you

starry nights 8:52 PM  

Margie..thank you for your kind words.

Aditi 9:17 PM  

Aww .. yep that is good reason to continue being married to him..Minor squabbles are a part of life, i dont think there is any marriage where everything is always hunky dory.

chandni 10:09 PM  

this is so sweet....

well I guess u have all the reasons in the world to love him and be with him :)

this too shall pass....when the foundation is strong...it can see truble but cant be shaken!

Twisted DNA 11:29 PM  

Very well said. Interesting part is, most of the things you mentioned are what I feel too! (towards my wife, not towards your husband :D)

Fresh Ink 1:37 AM  

Hi Starry,

This is absolutely lovely. Am not married yet but hopefully soon, so am really inspired by your words ;)

Rose 3:07 AM  

You seem to have all the right reasons..

:)))

..Me

starry nights 8:47 AM  

Aditi..thank you.

starry nights 8:48 AM  

Chandni..thank you.

starry nights 8:48 AM  

Twisted DNA..thats sweet.I am sure she feels the same for you.

starry nights 8:51 AM  

Fresh Ink..thank you and you will be fine. Most marriages run smoothly for the most part. minor aquabbles is inevitable. two people with two different personalities thrown in together. each one trying to be their own.

Lera 7:33 PM  

hey Starry, "The" most immpressive piece that has ever touched my heart...It's beautifully written..

jac 4:01 AM  

In my heart I truly love him and I am in this marriage because..

I read all...but

Did you forget something ???
I think you did.

adi 6:49 AM  

i've been always sceptical of marriage, perhaps saw a lot of imperfect, faltering marriages all through my life...
this stopped me in my tracks, nothing is perfect, maybe even i'll have a eventful married life.

trouble is, now i'll have to find someone seriously interested in me ;)

btw maya writes good

starry nights 10:24 PM  

Lera..welcome to my blog and please do come again.thank you.

starry nights 10:25 PM  

Jac..dont know what I missed.

starry nights 10:25 PM  

Adi..you are going to find a nice beautiful wife and you are going to have a happy marriage.Good wishes for you always.

jac 11:02 AM  

....that he loves you.

Isn't that enough reason ?

smiley 5:28 AM  

very romantic except for

4. Want to cook everything I see in the food blogs for him :)

emmanuel 5:58 AM  

hmmmmmm.......
lucky husband......

starry nights 12:13 PM  

Emmanuel..I am the lucky one.

Sojourner 2:51 AM  

I know nothing about marriages...except my own musings...
I think, after an age, relationships turn into complete comfort... no expectations, because already given.. an understanding that needs no words and so on..
perhaps u are getting there now.. through these introspections.

starry nights 5:33 PM  

sojourner..so true. after sometime we take each others love for granted, but just like everything else if it is not nurtured it will be lost.It needs to be kept alive.I think this is what keeps any marriage strong.

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