Friday, August 18, 2006

WEEKEND HUMOR


These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ( I really dont know if this book exists or it is true. just sharing something I got in the mail and thought it was funny)

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar Exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ¢®Where am I, Cathy?¢®
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND ALL MY FRIENDS:

87 comments:

ari4u 4:08 PM  

hahahaha... thanks so much for making me laugh on this otherwise dull and boring friday noon at work. I loved all of them. Have you seen Legally Blonde?

Have a great weekend starry :)

starry nights 4:14 PM  

Saw legally blond and the sequel, loved both.have a good week end too.

samuru999 4:31 PM  

Dang... Pretty funny!!!
I had the longest day ever at my job (11 hours)
I am quite beat
and I needed a good laugh!
and maybe a stiff drink.
Thanks starry!
Enjoy your weekend!
Oh, I have a question?
Are you a professional bloger?
Ha... just kidding!
But, you always reply so quickly.
I have very little time to blog,
and actually do not like to be on
line that much!
If I go to too many blogs...
I find it a bit overwhelming!
Just me though!
I can see you really must enjoy
bloging!
Take care!

starry nights 5:19 PM  

Well Margie I am not a professional blogger. Right now I am home awaiting my surgery and after that will be back on the job with very little time to blog.So making the best of it while I can.

samuru999 5:27 PM  

Hi Starry...
Hope I did not offend you with my
question hun!
Certaintly did not to mean to if I did!
You have so many people that love to come to your site, because you are so sweet!
Take care!
And, thanks again for those jokes!
I had a glass of wine to unwind
from my crazy day!
I am heading out to see Al gore's
movie now!
cu later!

samuru999 5:27 PM  
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
nandi23 6:16 PM  

this is hilarious!

Anali 6:21 PM  

Funny! That list comes out every year and it is always hilarious.

Andrew 6:25 PM  

That's a good chuckle! Thanks.

And thanks for the link. Much appreciated! See you next time...
To Love, Honor and Dismay

KK 6:41 PM  

LOL!!! Most of them were very funny!! Thanks Starry!!!
//ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.//

When I read this, I too thot of the same answer :)

starry nights 7:26 PM  

Margie..no you did not offend me. Inbetween everything that I do. I take some time to blog and read some posts.

starry nights 7:27 PM  

Nandi 23.thanks.Ithought it was funny also.

starry nights 7:27 PM  

Anali..first time I am reading this.my sister sent me this forward.

starry nights 7:28 PM  

Andrew. thanks for stopping by and do come again.

starry nights 7:29 PM  

KK.thanks. thought it was funny too.have a good weekend.

Ekta 7:49 PM  

hahah!
These are absolutely hilarious!!
Fab ones..couldnt stop laughing on reading them!

b v n 8:24 PM  

ATTORNEY: So you and the victim looked alike
WITNESS: Yes, we were twins
ATTORNEY: then how could you be sure that the dead person is your twin and not YOU.

nice post for friday night !! ensoi

Mumbai Guy 8:25 PM  

I really wish everyone put up such humour once in a while. Really need these in otherwise mood.

Thanks starry.

Aditi 9:23 PM  

Hilarious... Good way to end the week
enjoy the weekend

Srijith Unni 9:23 PM  

Oh.. Starry.. This is so damn funny..
I liked the jokes very much..
Thanks for sharing..
Can I forward this to my friends..?

With Best Regards,
Srijith.

starry nights 10:04 PM  

BVN..he he he like your joke.pretty cool.

starry nights 10:05 PM  

Mumbai guy..thanks.have a good weekend.

starry nights 10:05 PM  

Aditi..thanks.

starry nights 10:06 PM  

Srijith..thanks and sure you can forward it toanyone you please.

Strictly for my friends 10:14 PM  

That was just too hilarious! Had to send it as a forward to all my friends so that they could have a good laugh too! Hope you dont mind!

neihal 10:50 PM  

LOL...Nice way to wrap up the week...You too have a great weekend.

Gaurav Jain 1:06 AM  

That was a nice dose of humor. It made my day :)

ravi,  1:24 AM  

In Punjabi there is a saying that goes..like this JE KISSI RONDE NOO HASAYA TEH DUS, JE KISSI RULDE NOO VAYASA TEH DAS..this is how i believe in life..i dont know how my blog or words find mention in ur blog coz i hardly know. Second thing i have yet to learn this art of making a fun of others n more particulary of a woman. The three women i know i had arguments with them..one my mother when i was a child n i still does have an argument with her..2nd my wife sunita..n the 3rd my friend..who unfortunately told a numbers of lies to me..but i still have nt lost confidence in human beings..women need to be respected..n i m really sorry if i had hurted u in any any way. God bless. The International Disorder was abt a lecture that i attended while i was in university..it does nt have any other meaning.

Dh@v@! 4:34 AM  

ahahahahaha
tooo good...
LOL LOL

its too hilarious!

thx for sharing it...

Manic Street Preacher 4:59 AM  

was it me u tagged in your last post???

and oh my. ihave a viral rite now. and u jus made muh evening..
:)
as usual..:)
\m/

Mr. J 5:10 AM  

Is the attorney stupid or are the witnesses?? Lol!! It's a stupid world actually.

smiley 5:32 AM  

that was really funny, had a good laugh :)

Anonymous,  5:36 AM  

As always..thankgod i made someone laugh. Main dhaya hua.

seriously_frivolous 5:48 AM  

ha..funny ones. I have heard funny incidents about how dumb things/people can get in the US, this one is top class!

Astral 6:11 AM  

Hi, my first time to ur space and it was a good one. Enjoy ur weekend. C u around. GOD bless.

starry nights 9:36 AM  

Strictly for my friend. sure go ahead
it was for everyone to share and have a laugh thats all.

starry nights 9:36 AM  

Neihal..thanks and have a good weekend.

starry nights 9:36 AM  

Gaurav..thanks. New Profile. cute.

starry nights 9:38 AM  

Dh@v@..glad you enjoyed it.

starry nights 9:38 AM  

Preacher. yes you were tagged. waiting to read your write up .

starry nights 9:39 AM  

Ravi..I dont know or remember what you are talking about. would you please enlighten me.

starry nights 9:39 AM  

Me..its both. kind of funny actually.

starry nights 9:40 AM  

Smiley..thanks. glad it made u laugh, it did to me too.

starry nights 9:41 AM  

Seriously frivolous..yeah it des happen. But I really dont know if it is true or someone just made it up. But either way it was funny.

starry nights 9:42 AM  

Astral..welcome to my blog and please stop by again. have a good weekend thanks.

starry nights 9:42 AM  

Eclipsed thoughts.. thanks.

starry nights 9:54 AM  

Anonymous.made me laugh too

priya 10:34 AM  

Starry: I am happy that you smiled and made others to smile too.

Good one.. Whatz with your surgery?? Are you resting or yet to do surgery?? Tk.

jac 11:00 AM  

Hilarious !

My name is Susan :))

ishita 11:27 AM  

lolz...i so needed sumthin to make me cheer up a bit...this was perfecct!!:D...thanks!

enjoyyy d wkend...tc!

_Jonathan_ 11:49 AM  

jijiji....
I had the first laugh of the day reading ur blog!!!
NIce to read u...
Bye.!

starry nights 2:44 PM  

Priya thanks. Yeah I am waiting to have my back surgery, a disc replacement. hopefully soon.thanks for asking.have a good weekend.

starry nights 2:45 PM  

Jac..thats cute.I hope you are ahaving a good weekend.

starry nights 2:45 PM  

Ishita..thanks. hope you are having a good weekend.

starry nights 2:46 PM  

Jonathan..welcome to my blog and please do come again.thanks.

Kuan Gung 3:40 PM  

Hee...hee. I believe I hired this person at some time...

Kuan Gung 3:40 PM  

Funny stuff starry...

archana 3:48 PM  

Hilarious !!!! I checked the book's name in Amazon, and there is one.
Archana

White Forest 4:15 PM  

lolllzz.....very funny

Twisted DNA 6:23 PM  

Haha. good jokes. Lawyer jokes always remind me of the joke in Frasier.

Niles is thinking he is dating a lawyere. Frasier finds out she is actually a prostitute.

Frasier: Niles, she is a prostitute
Niles: Frasier, I don't have much respect for lawyers either. But please respect my girlfriend
(I paraphrased)

Jon Cox 6:46 PM  

Hahahahahhahaaaaa!!!!! This is so GREAT!!! Awesome work by friend! I hope you have a WONDERFUL weekend! :o)

prithz 6:57 PM  

Woooowwww... u gave me a wonderful start for my sunday starry!!!! had a good laf... :)

starry nights 8:36 PM  

Kuang..oops. I hope not. glad u found it funny. take care.have a good weekend.

starry nights 8:37 PM  

Archana..what do you say. there is actually such a book. I thought someone made all this stuff up.

starry nights 8:38 PM  

White forest..thanks.have a good weekend.

starry nights 8:39 PM  

Twisted Dna..I love Frasier and was really sad when it went off the air.thats a pretty funny line.

starry nights 8:39 PM  

Jon..glad it made u smile. have a good weekend too.

starry nights 8:40 PM  

Prithz..I am glad I made u laugh.thanks.

Jon Cox 8:51 PM  

Thank you so much for stopping by & thank you for your wonderful comments! I'm very glad you like my paintings, I appreciate that a lot! :o)

southpaw 9:14 PM  

Thank God i can see ur page properly now, everytime i opened yesterday, it wud open half and get hung...:(

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo***This ones damn funny...lols

namesake 1:09 AM  

HI! thanks for visiting my previous blog. I have recently written on another true story of a unfortunate man in india. hope you like and dont forget to comment on the blog please. you can visit it at
http://whatwillshelivefor.blogspot.com/

you have posted great jokes!

starry nights 11:12 AM  

I am glad you like it Raj. hope u had a good weekend.

starry nights 11:13 AM  

Namesake..thanks for stopping by and please do come again. I will visit your blog and read the post.thanks.

starry nights 11:13 AM  

Anshuman..thanks for stopping by.

SCRIBBLEZ TO WAKEUP 11:22 AM  

Hey Starry...I had a nice afternoon smile which is my tamed laughter BTW...I love the ones on Autopsy the most!! Phew, whether it really happens or not, it sure makes tickling bones! Was reading the comments n I love LEGALLY BLONDE :)

Ghost Particle 12:02 PM  

hahahaha....i cant stop laughing. Jokes never grow old...

jac 12:58 PM  

I haven't a week end.
:(

Hip Grandma 8:22 PM  

Nice jokes.enjoyed them

Neers 9:18 AM  

this was a scream!! have heard/read them before... but never fails to amuse me...! and check this out:
http://www.infiltec.com/j-chick2.htm

:)

as for intuitions... lets see, what everybody says...:) as an aside to you... i completely believe in them...

(and while i stumbled on "across the miles"... you were probably studying "life and all that jazz"...see?) :)

out of curiosity, which part of india do you come from?

Jeevan 9:53 AM  

Funny ATTORNEY:))

Thomas 3:25 PM  

What have I got myself into says the new attorney.

V N 12:32 AM  

ROTFL!!
:)
How did u come up with all of these??

Sojourner 2:59 AM  

real funny:)

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