Sunday, February 18, 2007

A Quarrel

What starts out as a simple discussion sometimes ends in a big quarrel.Why does this happen I ask myself. Is it because we have strong minds or is it because it is in our nature to quarrel.sometimes it starts off as an argument and then hurtful words are said when one feels they are losing the argument.Is it because they don't love or care for each other or is it because the fear of losing was too great.
Why is it that something very simple can escalate to a really big argument. Should one just stay quiet even when one knows it is not right.Is trying to explain yourself considered an argument.I don't know these answers and was just trying to understand the human mind. Because in the end both people are sad and bruised.Then why do we do these things. Does it make people come closer or does it drive them apart.
What do You think? Should one person keep quiet and just walk away? I don't know. ANY ANSWERS?


Mystic Rose 8:43 PM  

Hi starry,
I guess the same set of questions bother everyone in almost every kind of relationship, in most cases it doesnt hurt as much as when it is the people who are the closest to us..parents, siblings, spouse, best friends..

1)i have a set of rules..
when someone is quarreling or trying to settle an issue, do not bring up any past issues even if they are relevant to whats happening now. its not fair to the person who is hurting right now.
keep the attention focused on that one thing that set it off.

2)if something about the past bothers, bring it up at another time, when both are in a mood to talk and listen. AND TAKE TURNS, AND LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART. Not with the attitude of defending oneself but in an attitude of understanding.

3) apologise and always make up within an hour or so.

4) deal with each issue as it happens..and bring it up as soon as possible, right at the time..point out what the problem is..the problem is the issue, not the people involved. its may be the attitude, but never the person.

And I tell this to all my close friends, if something bothers them not ot hold it inside, but let me know immediately, and I try my best to listen and look at it neutrally.
and i realise sometimes, i just have to swallow my pride and not retort. and let it subside. some things we learn to let go,

as they say, 'choose the battles'.

a thought provoking post, starry!

have a nice day, dear!

Shiva 8:43 PM  

That's an amazing quote of Buddha. Even, one mind is full of contradictions that it contradicts itself hundreds of time on a the same agenda. Then, what can we expect of two minds? The solution is difficult-To let the mind off the ego. When ego drops, the inhibitions and the pre-conceptions drop leading to resulting in acceptance and mind becomes receptive, assimilative and rational. May be, this is not a solution, but another question - How to drop ego?

Neihal 9:19 PM  

I wish we had some simple stright answers to them. I guess quarrels are a part of our lives, and I dont know how can we ever get rid of them.

But for me, I try not to keep any bitterness once the whole thing is over.

samuru999 10:26 PM  

Very good post!
We need to think about how angry and hurtful words spoken to another can damage!
I do believe it is better to just
walk away, and cool dowm!
Do heated arguments ever lead to anything other than discourse?
I do not think so.
I do believe calm words and calm minds always prevail!


Aditi 12:03 AM  

Sometimes keeping quiet and walking away hurts more then words uttered in anger because the other person feels shut out.
Sometimes we argue because we care, sometimes we argue because we can. We only argue wtih the ones we love the most, we dont really bother arguing with random strangers do we?
We argue cuz the other person matters
and sometimes those arguments drives ppl so far apart there is no coming back and sometimes it brings them closer together..
really depends on those ppl
wow i rambled.. hope it makes sense

~*. D E E P A .* ~ 1:20 AM  

i guess a lotta factors like the mood of a person at the moment , the external situations and all make a difference... maybe the same discussion when conducted at a later point of time won't escalate into a fight :)

trinitystar 1:33 AM  

I guess hurtful words come out of fear ... all arguments come out of our inner fear. Sometimes it is good to stand back from a situation and see it from a different angle. In other words do not be the fuel for the fire ... but see how you can dampen it ... :o)
hugs for you

artnavy 2:20 AM  

i think we need to be patient listen and then speak our mind

if both parties do that then the argument is healthy

if eithe rfails it breeds ill will

Cyberkitty 2:28 AM  

I am closest to the folks whom i quarrel with the most, i never bother much about the views of people i don't care about !

Jeevan 3:30 AM  

If their was Quarrel between both, one must make silent (or listen) to understand the situation to end the quarrel.

This one was like Priya's recent post.

Mellowdrama 4:50 AM  

Hmm...sometimes silence speaks volumes tho of coz it depends on the issue at hand. If you are raking up old issues and making someone go on a guilt trip, I vote for silence. Also the tone of the voice matters - been in a relationship for eight yrs nw and seriously the tone of the voice makes ALL the difference - btw a quiet arguement and a slinging match!

Asha 6:09 AM  

You are like me if you are talking about you there L!!
When I think I am right or when I think he is wrong,I never try to stroke his ego and give it to him as it is! THAT lands me in a big s... most of the time.
But I am happy that I get that out of the my chest rather keeping it inside and resent.That does mean we don't LOVE each other but just that sometimes you don't LIKE what he does or says!
Our mothers and grandmothers always taught and trained to be submissive,I don't believe in that.That does cause problems bcos guys expect us to just say yes and agree with them.If I don't,it can p... his off!EGO??!!Yes madam.
Sometimes if you feel the situation is escalating,it is wise to take a deep breath and walk away even it feels wrong to do that and let them feel guilty! They will,believe me.Sometimes,it's better for me to be the better person!
That's my opinion!:)

Anonymous,  8:21 AM  

i dont have any answers too
just some more questions


starry nights 8:40 AM  

Mystic Rose..thank you.It is something to think about.Take turns and listen with your heart. never thought about that.

starry nights 8:41 AM  

Thank you shive.I do think ego does have a part to play in this.we have to let go of our ego.

starry nights 8:42 AM  

Neihal..thank you. I try to forget it also and wish in my heart that it never happened.

starry nights 8:43 AM  

Margie..thank you .another nice thing to think about"Calm mind and calm words always prevail".

starry nights 8:46 AM  

Aditi..thank you. I understand what you are true we do argue with the ones we care about and it is sad that we hurt the ones we care about when we argue. How can you get your point of view across without it becoming an argument?.

starry nights 8:48 AM true.But then you want to confront the person right away and to begin with you are already upset so you cannot be calm , so I think it is better to wait until your emotions die down.

starry nights 8:49 AM  

Trinity star.thank you. Never looked at a quarrel in this light." don't be the fuel but try to dampen it." It is food for thought.

starry nights 8:50 AM  

Thank you Art NAvy...I also think that one should listen to what the other person is saying before getting upset.

starry nights 8:51 AM true we always quarrel with the people we care about.thats what makes it hard.

starry nights 8:51 AM  

Jeevan..thank you.

starry nights 8:53 AM  

Mellow drama..Yes i think the Tone of the voice matters.Somehow at the moment it does not come out any other way.and it makes it worse. The more I think about it.I feel silence is golden, ateast until the other person calms down.

starry nights 8:55 AM  

Asha..thank you.I think thats what I do sometimes.Sometimes I just want to walk away and at other times I want to explain myself and that causes problems.

starry nights 8:55 AM  

Saby..I thought you would have some answers.

Ashley 9:36 AM  

I have an explosive temper, so I tend to walk away whenever possible. 99% of the time, the tendency to quarrel will soon pass and the next encounter will be pleasant if you commit to NOT arguing (and just walking away)...

christabelle 11:23 AM  

I think sometimes little arguments escalate to bitter quarells because people want to prove a point, sometimes its good to let go, I've found out that for myself

Orchid 12:28 PM  

SOmetimes losing is winning and soemtimes it is not...I would go by the situation and the person involved. But believe if it were that simple the world would be a more peaceful place....but in any case, it is important to remember that a healthy positive attitude is all that matters

KK 1:06 PM  

Well Quarrel happens when two believe in something that is totally opposite. But when each one has a strong feeling that they are right. Sometimes ego steps in and makes the argument worse.
BTW, Good to hear from your previous post that your back is healing well. Waiting to hear that you went to some mall... :D

priya 1:13 PM  

Starry: When you see two people invovled, you cannot expect the same views and ideas. But one of them always sacrifice or give away not to get too invovled to mess up.

Arguement happens when the other person is unable to handle or fail to get more answers.

If you can stand equal and argue, you are still the winner.

If you stay quiet, you give time to the other person to think on how his/her actions resulted for an argument and they might feel ashamed.

Losing an argument - when they do not agree at all. In that case someone has to drop it off as it only exaggerates unnecessary tension and more words comeout unknowingly.

Should one person keep quiet and just walk away-
Just becoz we are married, we shud not lose our individuality whoever it is. Our strength and confidence lies in what we think and react. We have every right to ask when others argue.

But that shud not violate or bring conflict within two people. Once that topic is over, things shud go on as easy.

priya 1:58 PM  

@Shiva-How to drop ego?

People say EGO is either boasting or being defensive.

Everyone of us have an "EGO" in which is reflected through consciousness. What you observe and experience comes out in the form of act.

Dropping ego is like removing the mind frame. If you stop comparing or act being "I" or stop saying I know everything, it drops.

When we are able to withdraw from situations, we can withdraw ego too.

How to drop is only in our mind:)) and that is the decision maker.

mathew 2:04 PM  

i think we are argumentative by nature...Somehow we jsut keep arguing for the sake of doesnt make sense..but still somewhere deep inside we have a fake sense of satisfaction in winnning a argument..but if u are satisfied without having to prove the other person your side of the story , then better that be!!

mathew 2:05 PM  

i think we are argumentative by nature...Somehow we jsut keep arguing for the sake of doesnt make sense..but still somewhere deep inside we have a fake sense of satisfaction in winnning a argument..but if u are satisfied without having to prove the other person your side of the story , then better that be!!

polona 2:08 PM  

thought-provoking post, starry, and i love the quote.
there's no simple answer, i think, as quarrels emerge for different reasons, but most of them from feeling threatened in one way or another, imo.

Keshi 4:21 PM  

Life is indeed short but our egoes arent that short :)

I have been in many arguments like that...a small conversation ends up being a big fight. Why? Cos I used to be immature back then. My ego took me over. I wanted to say that I WAS RIGHT. And the other person wanted to do the same. So wud there be any peaceful convo there? NO.

Then I realised that sometimes we have to stop and think. Think where the convo might lead to. And then act accordingly. If u see that the other person isnt giving up on their ego, then u give up on ur ego. It's ok to scarifice that way than take it further into an ugly argument. No point arguening forever and hurting each other. Its not owrth it.

I have learnt that Art so well now, I havent had an argument in a very long time...touchwood :).

**Should one person keep quiet and just walk away

say wut u have to say and then walk away. Dun say anything hurtful...just bring out ur point and then leave.


starry nights 5:40 PM  

Ashley..thank you.I think its a good idea.

starry nights 5:41 PM  

Christabelle..thank you.What if by proving that point you are making things clear, then is it worth it.

starry nights 5:41 PM  

Orchid..thank you.It makes sense.

starry nights 5:43 PM  

KK..thank you.I think I am beginning to understand. My back is getting better. have not gone to the mall yet.have to wait to start physical therapy.

starry nights 5:45 PM  

Priya..thank you for that wise and sensible answer.I think I get it now.Don't wait until it gets really bad, get your point across and walk away.

starry nights 5:47 PM  

Mathew.thank you.I know some people argue just for the sake of arguing even when they know in their hearts they are wrong.

starry nights 5:48 PM  

Polona..thank you. I also do feel that they emerge when one feels threatened.

starry nights 5:50 PM  

Keshi..thank you. I also think it is not worth it just arguing and hurting one another and it is worse when it is the one you love.

deepsat 7:42 PM  

having an argument is not wrong. but having an argument with anger is very much wrong. guess it happens when someone's ego doesn't allow other's opinions!!!

~*. D E E P A .* ~ 8:01 PM  

hmmm ... but if u let ur emotions cool down , u may turn cold and bitter , right ?

Fuzzylogic 8:43 PM  

I do have a temper and most of the times I have to walk away before I blurt something which I might regret,I used to be pretty argumentative but now I have mellowed down and think before I speak,if its difficult to stay calm at that moment and think it over I choose to walk away and give myself sometime to calm down and then come back when I can listen and be more receptive.I'm perhaps lucky to have a person who is way more calmer than me,he has more loads of patience and I'm thankful for that.It's important to listen and understand first before we form opinions that's what I have learnt.

chandni 9:40 PM  

tough call!!! Some might say its wise to let the heat of the moment pass and take it up later.,....but its so difficult to keep quiet....

and mostly the argument movews awasy from the issue!!!

I think both partners should take time off and cool down and then get together to discuss....

Krithika 6:44 AM  

In my opinion..ppl get hurt when things are being said to them while they're waitin for a amiable answer.The ego of the person matters.It's the situation that preceds it too..i mean sometimes tension gets carried over and is not sorted out then and there.But most of the times it's bcos some ppl JUS hate to argue :)

Ganesh Ranganathan 7:46 AM  

Have you ever tried to remember the cause of starting the quarell after fighting for say, 20-30 minutes...

I have and it took me a significant amount of time before my brain could pin-point the actual reason of fighting....that means somewehre down the line as we continue to fight, we start concentrating on our adversary (temporarily) rather than trying to solve the issue...

This is when things get personal and hurtful things are said. SO whenever I argue with someone, I never take the focus off the issue..

And one more very important thing...never sleep on a fight. No matter how severe the fight is, always make up before you go to bed..

I have lost valuable relationships by not doing that.

Lotus Reads 8:19 AM  

YOu ask a tough question, Starry! In my case, because I hate confrontations, I am usually the one to walk away from an argument, but yes, I have often thought about why someone would argue so mercilessly even when one senses that a friendship or a relationship is being strained on account of it. I'm going to read the other comments to see if anyone's been able to shed light on what you asked.

Thanks for asking this!

starry nights 9:26 AM  

Deepsat..sometimes an argument starts off as a simple question and then later starts to become angry.Then what is someone to do.

starry nights 9:27 AM  

Deepa..true.You may not say anything but keep it all bottled inside and then it makes you bitter.I have to agree with you. I think by reading all these comments I feel that you should walk away and come back when the situation is cooler.

starry nights 9:29 AM  

Fuzzylogic..Thanks for the comment.What if you are calm and you are trying to get a point across and the other person does not like to be questioned and starts to raise their voice and then the whole situation escalates.

starry nights 9:29 AM  

Chandni..true.sometimes it is hard to walk away.

starry nights 9:31 AM  

Krithika..thanks.I get the point.I think most of the times hurtful things are said when ones ego is hurt.

starry nights 9:32 AM  

Ganesh..I think you have raised a very important point and that is not taking the focus off the issue.most times this is what happens and what we started out to discuss is lost and we end up somewhere else.Thank you for your comment.

starry nights 9:35 AM  

Lotus reads..thank you for your comment.I hate to argue also but sometimes you know what the other person is doing or saying is wrong and you want to explain your side and it ends as an argument. But by reading everybodys comments.I have to agree that one needs to take time out, focus on the issue, walk away and come back when we can talk in an orderly fashion without hurting each other.

ari4u 10:04 AM  

Uh oh... looks like something is wrong. Here is my answer...
Things dont look that well when something is not right. People involved need to get together in order to solve the problem. The focus should be on the problem and what needs to be done. Arguments arise when things are taken personally and the focus shifts from the problem to the person involved. If personal feelings and emotions are kept outside the box when trying to solve problems, a great deal of success can be achieved. Try it and let me know how much success is achieved :)

I hope everything is okay with you. Take care. Huggss to you.

ari4u 10:08 AM  

An oh, about my post. I was thinking of you all the time when i was writing up my post. I initally named my post "Starry Nights" as i had more pictures of stars and constellations, but changed the name later as i shifted my focus to the moon instead :)

I love astronomy and i am trying to get a telescope but my wife keeps rejecting my budget proposal for the telescope :) It costs like $2500, but is really worth it.

If any month has two full moons, the second one is called a blue moon. It happens, but not that frequently. I have explained more about blue moons in my post.

Take care :)

Kai C. 10:51 AM  

hi starry night

this is a very nice post.
when people really care they just dont walk away nor keep quiet....

they usually work things out....

Shionge 6:06 PM  

WHen the quarrel gets too heated up, it would be good to just walk away and address the issue again later.

I knew I've walked out many times in a quarrel and that's bad and things just kind of cool down later.

alex 6:34 PM  


Unless there is acceptance and the realisation that one cannot force their opinions and thoughts on others, quarrels will happen.

Walking away quietly with accepting the difference is like being in a quarrel, though covertly.

starry nights 8:10 AM  

Ari..thank you.I think the problem is when it is taken personally. And as you said the focus of the problem is lost and we end up somewhere else.thank you for your comment.I have learned so much from all these answers.

starry nights 8:12 AM  

Ari..I really loved that post.We have a hill in our backyard and always wanted to get a telescope and go up there and look at the stars, but never got around to doing it.Now with my back I don't know if it will be possible.That makes me feel sad. I should have done it while I could.I don't know if we could get the same result from the ground.

starry nights 8:13 AM  

Alex..You are so right.acceptance and realization is important in order to make things right.I think walking away and not addressing the problem is bad but coming back to it when things are better may be a good idea.

starry nights 8:13 AM  

Kai..thank you .

starry nights 8:14 AM  

Shionge..thank you.I think its the best thing to do.walk away and come back later when things have died down.

adi 12:52 AM  

fortunately, me n dee have not had a major quarrel yet...touchwood :)
we do have our issues, and we sort them out
i think love helps a lot
if u really respect and love the other person, you will find a way to make it up with him/her

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