Tuesday, September 04, 2007

"DON'T BLAME ME"

This is part TWO of the class that "J" attended.He shared this with me and I have found it helpful ( I am still in the learning stage)so thought I would share it with you.

How often when something goes wrong, our first thoughts are "Don't blame me". I know I am guilty of doing this. I either do this because I am afraid to say that I have made a mistake, appear to look like a failure or it is my ego .we are always looking to place the blame on someone else. I can only speak for me and I think this happens in my relationship with "J". I feel I always have to defend myself and place blame on circumstances in my life that have made me do or be the person I am.

We have to be accountable for our actions.There are different levels of accountability


1.WE CAN GET ON WITH IT
2.FIND SOLUTIONS,OWN IT
3.ACKNOWLEDGE REALITY

4.WAIT & HOPE
5.GIVE PERSONAL EXCUSES, want sympathy.
6.BLAME OTHERS.


When we find ourselves in a given situation there are different things we can do.The first three make us powerful,it shows a desire and willingness to learn and change. and the last three make us powerless and gives us a feeling of helplessness and makes us feel like a victim.

Sometimes it is hard to choose the levels of accountability and it is so much easier to just blame others and pretend that you are the victim. But by accepting that we made a mistake we may look imperfect,but we reap many benefits, such as we learn, we grow, we have better relationships and have more control of our lives.

Sometimes the results we get are not the results we expected.And this happens to all of us , some people feel victimized by the circumstance and events in their lives, while others make the best of whatever happens.The difference between the two is how they see things.It is not possible always to make the right choice but if we are aware that we have the ability to make a change by our choices I am sure we can.


INSTEAD OF WANTING TO CHANGE THE OTHER PERSON ,TRY CHANGING ME (That's what I have to do in my life)

ACCEPTING THE SITUATION DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU CONDONE THE BEHAVIOR OR THE OUTCOME.RATHER ACCEPTANCE AND HUMILITY RELEASES A RESILIENCE AND ENERGY TO CONTINUE THROUGH THE DEMANDS OF THE DAY AND TO GAIN THE PERSPECTIVE NECESSARY TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT PATH.

"A success is one who decided to succeed and worked.A failure is one who decided to succeed and wished" William ward.

"He that is good at making excuses is seldom good at anything else." Benjamin Franklin

"As adults our choices are almost unlimited.That does not mean that they are not painful.Frequently our choices lie between the lesser of two evils,but it is still within our power to make these choices."Author unknown.


I have learned that I have to be accountable in my life,to the choices I make and that Only I can change me. I know that I have always felt that my relationship with "J" would be better if he changed. (Maybe it would help a little) But I think it is in my hands to make it better. I think the first step is to accept blame and not be the victim.("Dear God please help me follow this")

credit to "Senn Delaney leadership class."

50 comments:

polona 12:40 PM  

i think we all slip into the lower categories from time to time... that's human nature.
but to become aware of that and try to do otherwise is already a progress...
thank you for this post.

Keshi 6:59 PM  

Good post Starry! Something I can relate to :)

its so true..we love to blame OTHERS. thats w.o. even giving a thought to what really happened and analysing if we ourselves were responsible or not. Its really unfair. Ego plays a big part in that process.

Im ashamed to say that I have been like that too..I hv blamed someone else for my own mistakes. But thats in the past...I hv learnt my lesson the hardest way. Now Imnot quick to blame anyone...I always analyse the situation b4 I say anything.


**INSTEAD OF WANTING TO CHANGE THE OTHER PERSON ,TRY CHANGING ME

definitely! thats wut I do now..


And I hv also realised that it takes more COURAGE and GRACE to accept ur own mistakes.


Keshi.

Aditi 8:27 PM  

that is a lot to think about..

pria,  11:23 PM  

Starry, being flexible is nothing wrong and it only helps for the better. We cannot always accept or disagree. Both should balance from two people who connect in day today life. Blaming an another person for no fault is just implying or putitng pressure on them to make them feel guilty. Its basically a method of escapism.

Thanks for sharing starry.

Krithika 4:25 AM  

i really liked this post but i feel tat sometimes holdin urslf accountable for the things tat go wrong makes u a cynic esp if ur mentally weak..

Jeevan 5:50 AM  

Life would be fine if we accept our fault and it was also accepted by others.

starry nights 8:30 AM  

Polona..I think it is true that it is human nature to slip but we have the choice to change it.

starry nights 8:32 AM  

Keshi.I am guilty of doing the same thing but am trying to change me.It does take courage & grace to accept blame.

starry nights 8:33 AM  

Pria..I think in everything there should be a balance.But finding that point is the key.

starry nights 8:34 AM  

Aditi..Yes it is a lot but it really boils down to the choices we make in life.

starry nights 8:35 AM  

Krithika..I dont think we should always think it is our fault, but to keep an open mind and sometimes accept blame and not always think it is somebody elses fault.

starry nights 8:36 AM  

Jeevan..thats right.

Dawn....सेहर 4:05 PM  

Yes! its true and I believe in it and to practice as well :) I can say that it helps with all the politics that takes place in a office and you get to come out of it very clean :)
Good post indeed
Cheers dear

Mustafa Şenalp 3:19 AM  

çok güzel bir site.

mystic rose 9:10 AM  

awesome post, starry!!

I am writing a follow up to a post on frothy that is remotely connected with this.

MM 10:56 AM  

That made a great read, Starry!
Thx a bunch!
:)

Id it is 1:42 PM  

The 'blame game' where we simply 'pass the buck on' is the most popular sport in the world today, also, it's the easiest, and that explains a lot, doesn't it?
A soul searching post starry...

Jac 5:53 AM  

I liked the paragraph about the accoutability, lali!
I think that it is the essence of it.

Latha Narasimhan 7:24 AM  

Hi lalitha,
Nice write up.When we point 1 finger towards other, 4 fingers point towards your self! A mature person will take responsibility for all the things that happen in his life.
BTW, have you read seven habits of highly effective people? I am sure you will like it.

Dotm 6:05 PM  

When we feel like blaming someone else for our bad luck, it often helps just to remember there are two sides to everything and trying to see it from anothers point of view can often make us realize that sometimes it isn`t anyones fault, it was just the way things ended up.

pink ginger 珂琳 7:51 PM  

This is the first post that I read today, Saturday morning... It reminded me to start my day as a better person.
Thank you for this great post.
All the best to you.

starry nights 8:51 PM  

Dawn..thank you

starry nights 8:52 PM  

Thanks mystic.I will read the post.

starry nights 8:53 PM  

Id it is..sure everyone out there is blaming someone else.like you said it is easy to do.

starry nights 8:53 PM  

Jac..thank you.Accountability is indeed the key.

starry nights 8:54 PM  

MM...thank you

starry nights 8:55 PM  

Latha..thank you. I have not read that book. who is the author?

starry nights 8:56 PM  

Dotm..you are so right.

starry nights 8:56 PM  

Pink ginger...thanks.

Anali 8:32 AM  

These have been helpful posts. I guess depending on the circumstances, we may react in different ways, sometimes being accountable and sometimes being the victim. I guess the key is being aware of how we are reacting, which goes back to being present. Then we can change our behavior. The problem is that it's easier said than done! ; )

Lotus Reads 11:35 AM  

Starry, I am so impressed at your quest to constantly strive for self-improvement. You are my hero! There is a lot to be learned from this post. Taking responsibility or owning a mistake is the first step towards rectifying it. Thank you for sharing this.

adi 11:07 PM  

hmmmm
its when i'm struggling with the biggest decision of my life, when m struggling to acknowledge my accountability in the ruins of my life... that i find your post... and i find it helpful
u pls tc
i'll be soon back on delhidreams
and in full measure
just, a little bit of work to do :)
i hope u guys r fine there
take care
*hugs*

Neers 2:29 AM  

you are right, lalitha! think we need to own up... take responsibilities!

Rowdy 4:37 AM  

Yup that's true. We got to be accountable for whatever we do and it takes a very very brave mind to accept the mistakes. We don't often see people accepting their mistakes coz' that's a hit on their ego. It also depends on whether you want to be true to yourself..

Meanwhile the post was food for some thought. Keep it up. :)

Kalyan 5:16 PM  

Accountability, Acceptance, Acknowledgment are somethings which we all really need to maintain a healthy relationship.We cannot simply be stubborn and blame the other partner for everything...some very nice thoughts & the quotes...Wonderful Post!

hillgrandmom 9:19 AM  

very powerful posts both this and the previous one.Both the posts have great ideas for self improvement.

Cuckoo 1:51 PM  

Such a beautiful thought !!

We have different rules for us and others.

mindinside 9:00 PM  

yes this is helpful if tried.

I still have to learn lots of such things to be a better person than i am "sighs"

Smita 2:31 AM  

Had heard from a close pal once, not too kindly - "You blame yourself too much for everything" :)

What and how much we accept is more a matter of convenience. And someone will have a problem with it anyway!

joy,  1:48 PM  

I agree. I think the mature way to handle this kind of situation is to simply find out what really went wrong and see if it can be rectified. But at the very least, admit the mistake and then move. Guilt is pretty useless because it's simply anger towards the self. It's best to learn from the mistake and move on.

joy
Your Love Coach

Jac 8:57 PM  

No update ?

Blessed 5:36 AM  

Hi Starry!!!! Sorry I haven't stopped by in awhile. I hope you are doing okay and I hope that for your sister, too.

You know I didn't read any other posts but this one, so I hope I am not being redundant, but I feel we live in a society where everyone has an excuse and no one wants to take the blame (not all but alot).
So many don't want to take responsibility for their actions/thoughts/deeds etc.
I find it quite exasperating and sad. I don't know the solution either since I can't control others
and only they can try to step outside themselves and realize what they are doing. So many people never take the time to try to see how they appear.

Many blessings!!!

MM 10:24 PM  

It has been some time, Starry...
I presume u r busy...

Neers 10:53 PM  

Merci, mademoiselle! :)

Mansi Desai 4:23 PM  

this might be off the post a bit, but I love the salsa/tango dancing figurines on your blog!! I just love this dance and feel like dancing myself looking at that couple:)

KK 9:08 AM  

Wow! Very nice post Starry!
Actually I was talking to my spouse about the same thing last week... so nice to read about it...

Hows is your health coming? Sorry for not stopping by for long... I have not been blogging that regular recently...

Kuan Gung 8:06 PM  

Very good starry!

J 6:35 AM  

No updates??? :O :O

Don Iannone 4:15 AM  

Hoping you are well. I agree with Polona's comment. Take care. Don

Sweetstickychewy 10:23 PM  

This are really good stuffs.:D Thanks for sharing Starry.

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